selbstverantwortung

sigh. I feel as though I have had a breakthrough over a breakdown. I have come to learn a few things about myself and much more about other people. For myself- I have learned to expect modestly and great expectations will pronounce themselves naturally. I have also come to understand the meaning of the phrase: self responsibility. It has become such a part of my life here getting me from one moment to the next-this phrase has found it's way scribbled upon my forearm- a reminder. It's important. I surrender unhappiness to fully focus on self. What weight has been removed from my shoulders to have realized such meaningful significance. To end each day with abundant satisfaction- my actions, my intentions, performed in their entirety. Good intentions, right place of heart, even inspirational if only to blind eyes, brings untouchable self gratification. Do not mistaken these positive words for positive feelings. This actualization of self responsibility is an arduous task. To do or to act under self reward alone is not so easily accomplished and in the beginning, more often than not, has left a bitter taste in my mouth and wanting in my soul. Like everything else in life, practice and time has allowed my mind to slowly rid itself of such disdain replacing selfishness with assisted selflessness. I have learned that excuses are only excuses. Nothing can be gained from such nonsense, empty words, lost trust, buried situational awareness-immature. Living my life in pursuit of absolute responsibility for my actions has opened my eyes to behaviors less favorable from others- uncontrollable by me. A lesson easy to recite infinitely difficult to execute. With my whole heart and reason I believe the only thing honest in humanity is truth in words through action. To say what one means, do what one says no matter how seemingly challenging the circumstance. No matter how insignificant or prevalent the action, it will always affect someone somewhere. If only we were able to solely grasp, understand, foresee the consequences of our actions-forgiveness. To this the greatest affair-fraud. We as a society-a family- have so much, but to have nothing if not our word. Speak carefully, with genuine conviction, strength, and necessity. Look nowhere beside the mirror when corruption and hypocrisy fill life-they were owned words ultimately leading one here. To heal the situation begin from the inside out. First with honesty in action. This will once again promote honesty in words. The road to which we travel to achieve such credence is unique and optimistically discovered.

an object in motion will stay in motion until acted upon by another force

I tested the existence of gravity today. I am not sure if I thought it may not exist this particular morning or perhaps I was questioning Newton. For every reaction there is an equal and opposite reaction. It just happen to react on my face today. I was taking a shower, reached for my towel, slipped, smacked my face on the counter, toppled over, and blacked out temporarily. I called for Michelle too scared to look at the towel I had covering my face. I laid naked on the bathroom floor drenched in blood praying to God that my face was still in one piece. Two seconds later Jamie and Sky came running to my rescue too. I was given water, aspirin, not so successfully reassuring smiles, and a lot of love. The girls held me up and dressed me in my jacket and pants. I am a bit fuzzy on the details, but the next thing I knew I was on the couch with 11 pairs of eyes in my face and a lot of " oooo" "does it hurt?" "geeze that looks nasty" hahaha great! So I needed to get stitches. I called my mom. I tried not to cry and even managed an awkward laugh over the phone. Gosh my poor mom being woken up at 5:30 in the morning to a daughter who apparently cannot hold here ground in the shower. She was a good sport and went about her motherly business to send my my insurance card copy! OOO technology. Jamie was a sweet heart and called the dentist that I am currently interning at. I hope they missed me today...cuz for sure would have rather been looking in other people's mouths than going to the ER to get my face put back together. I think at one point I remember seeing Noah crushing the with a rolling pin. Beating the counter. haha instant karma for that counter top! YES! So Ben drove me to the ER with Michelle my little piece of home holding my hand on the back seat. The ER was thankfully empty ( I knocked on wood) and I was rushed right through. It was kinda funny that most of the attending staff knew who we were. The paper had just ran an article about our cause and I guess word travels fast. Back in the operating room I was getting nervous, but Ben and Michelle kept the conversation light and I just sat back and relaxed. The Doctor that stitched me up was a pro and a trooper. Michelle had the camera over my head for part of the time while I had her hand for the rest. Ben quickly grabbed a pair of gloves and assisted with the procedure. At one point the antiseptic wore off or there was not enough and every new stitch was a bit painful. Only till both Michelle and Ben peer pressured me to get another round of drugs did I finally allow the doctor to numb me up some more.....brave?? maybe. I left the ER with a lot of bandages, free antibiotics, and a smile. This whole thing could have been a lot worse and I was grateful for the amazing staff and all the kind words offered. On my way out the insurance office the lady informed me of three different ways I could go about suing for money for the injury I had been caused. HOW ABOUT IT WAS AN ACCIDENT AND MAYBE YOU ARE THE REASON DOCTORS ARE AFRAID TO DO NICE THINGS! this whole day spawned a huge discussion about health care and how universal health care will not work, and yadda yadda yadda I am going to leave that discussion for another more intense blog...this is about my face and how I look like I was in a gnarly fight and potentially lost and how I might have to now turn my man priorities so that I can find a guy willing to love a scared deformed face. I hope he likes teeth cuz i have great teeth-very white-very natural. well I took a cocktail of meds (really I filled a wine glass full of meds) and I passed out last night. Oh the positive side of being the person doing the medical inventory...you know what box all the cool meds are in!! So i am alive, a bit disfigured (and now the new house Albanian girl...for those who know flight of the Concords) but alive.....stay tuned to see if I trip and fall!! (knock on wood)

gehrochen und erneuert

ps that same day I was in the market and more than one person asked if I was drunk....florida has some issues i think.

here's to you

Die wirkliche Frage ist nicht, egal ob Sie Ihre Kinder lieben, aber wie gut Sie vorführen können, dass Ihre Liebe und sorgend sich, damit Ihre Kinder wirklich geliebt fühlen--Ich fühle

When you hug someone- I feel it. When you tell someone you love me and how proud you are of me- I hear it. When you worry about me-I know it. When you laugh in remembrance of me- I smile too. When you cry by my absence- I cry for yours. When I celebrate- you celebrate. When I succeed- you succeed. When I learn a tough lesson- I know you smile. You do all these things because I am yours...your daughter...half you. My glory is your glory. My struggles are your struggles. My fear, my excitement- your fear, your excitement. My passion, my reasons, my time-is mine. Everything behind me I have you to thank. I am an independent, intelligent, passionate, responsible, loving, driven, stubborn, woman. I have good morals, values, beliefs, realistic ideals, say what I mean and do what I say. That's to you. I love you. I miss you. This trip is not what I had planned. Just a few months. I need to figure out what is inside. I need to know what I am capable of. I need to know that there is more out there than what orange county, San Francisco, and the united states has to offer. I want to find my voice and the ability to stand behind that voice. Where ever I am you will be. Where I ever I go you are right beside me. What ever happens to me I LOVE YOU. Für immer und Immer

THE BOAT CAN ONLY SINK IF WATER GETS IN

Mondays are always interesting. You never know what the day will bring. The attitudes met first thing in the morning by the crew sets the tone for the entire week. Coffee is a good thing and some what of a necessity on this particular day of the week. I woke the same way I wake every morning. The alarm clock beeped at 7:00 am, Jamie rolls out of bed, I stagger after her, wonder down the hall, shake graham awake, accidentally startle Justin in the bed adjacent, and plug in the coffee maker. Running shoes on, ipod charged, and our boat dog Giles dragging his feet out the door, Jamie, Michelle, Graham, Justin, Jamie and I hit the pavement for a walk/run/jog. The neighbors (and there is a lot of them) are all out and about taking advantage of the cool air (89 degrees instead of 96 degrees). They all stop us to chat and share way to much about their medical problems and rectal exams. OOO the things we have yet to look forward to! No, but really the neighbors are sooo sweet. When, for some reason or another, I miss out on seeing the usual crowd in the morning, I experience a minor withdraw for the remaining day. I will miss them very much. It is funny how people walk into your life, even for a brief moment, and can leave such a lasting impression on your heart. I will never forget these neighbors nor will I ever overlook such sincerity and warmth. But today I had the pleasure of literally running into all my favorite peeps, had a great big cup of coffee, and began this week with a smile. Now that we have a resident photographer, Justin, the entire crew dressed in our scrubs, did our hair, dashed our eyes with mascara, jumped on the boat and smiled big for the camera. Our Floating Doctors Family is finally all together so we snapped the perfect shot on the boat to solidify existence and start the journey looking good. Speaking of hotness, Justin took the time to individually capture our faces, photo shop our complexions, and uniform our cause. However, it is kinda scary the things that one is able to do with a click of the mouse and I quickly questioned life as we see it!! haha but really kinda scary. But I look great...so no complaints I guess. All day today, Michelle and I sat in front of the computer punching in, one by one, receipts from the last 4 months on every expense ever made. It was the most boring thing I have ever done and my butt got numb a lot! On a brighter note, I made arapas for lunch which are Venezuelan fried bread pockets that you can stuff with cheese, beans, spinach, and whatever....yummy! Michelle made an amazing mandarin salad and we shared our feast with the house. Later that night Captain Jay came over to give us the low down and our first lesson in boating. His number one rule is plenty of drinking water on the boat and no water in the boat. "You cannot sink a boat if water doesn't get in it. That's not my rule....that's just a basic law of physics." God how awesome is he! captain jay gave each of us assignments that we are to learn and then teach the rest of the crew. Jay gave us a few more hints, tricks, and laughs about boating 101. He gave us a list of things that we need for our overboard bags..."You will only need these when we go over board. No electronic can openers." Hahaha He said that each bag must contain a few basics and besides that we can personalize the contents.....Jay laughed when he remembered that a past crew mate of his packed a toothbrush and floss....Umm excuse me....just because I am free floating in the middle of the Atlantic ocean possibly in danger of being torpedoed down by Cuba does not mean that my gums must suffer also....I quickly reminded him that I was of the dental profession and that everyone should see floss as a basic item for their bag. I on the other hand will be bringing glitter and face paint...what?? there are a lot of things one can do with the later! So now I am sitting on the couch, sailing books around me, glycolysis color coated next to me, EMT flashcards waiting to be tested, and my mind is racing with the life waiting to be discovered! I am reminded that this trip, if nothing else, will teach me more about life, myself, and push my boundaries, values, and otherwise headstrong opinions to the limit. I am learning to bend my reality, free my mind, turn my face toward the sun, and let God unravel my purpose here. I have floss in my hand and I am ready to see what kind of plaque exists before me!! (eww??)

Mimosa Sunday

Phew...I threw my hands in the air as I peaked my head through my bedroom curtains...the sun was shinning, no clouds, and I could smell coffee!! Life couldn't get much better than this. I jumped out of bed, stream-lined it right for the coffee maker, and sat myself out on the patio to enjoy the morning's beauty. Okay so the sun was blaring and I was sweating as I forced myself to drink the entire cup of coffee....oooo I miss the fog in San Francisco! Michelle, Justin, Graham and I decided that we were going to go for a mini road trip....we made some lefts hand turns, some right hand turns, followed the coast line, paid a two dollar toll, blared some crazy LA music, and ended up at JAVA JOINT! ( their motto is: come for the coffee..stay for the joint) haha The four of us ordered coffee, mimosas, four dishes to share and sat in bliss. Our view was a vast ocean of turquoise blue, white puffy clouds, and a breeze that kept the beaded sweat to a minimum. Heaven...the waitress loved us sooo much (okay so maybe it was Justin's devilish smile and wink) that she gave us an extra round of mimosas to keep the Sunday vibe rock'n. After a few hours of laughs, good food, coffee, and an umbrella fiasco we hopped back in the car rolled down the windows and coasted all the way back home. Like a true family of 12 and only one car to go around we pulled up into our driveway only to pass the keys along to the next passengers headed out to a fun day at the beach. Michelle and I took the time to spritz some lemon juice in our hair in attempt to introduce some all natural highlights to the hair...oooo very natural! Graham and Justin took care of the corona and limes. We all sat chill'n to music around the pool. The sun on my face, music playing in my ear, good friends all around me and I couldn't imagine a better place to be in my life right now....then a dark cloud covered the sky, cast a deep shadow over our bodies, and dumped (i mean dumped) water all over us. Oh the luck we have on our days of is just CRAZY! Being stubborn and not giving up on the chance to be outside we all made a wild entrance into the pool. we splashed around, synchronized swam, tried to pull off a four person upside down hand stand linking all our feet together (okay so it didn't really work out the way we imagined), and played underwater telephone. i think this afternoon was a true display of college graduates at their best. haha. Oh to be 24 years old. After our fun in the sunny raining thunder and lighting day we all cuddled on the couch for a movie. now, as I near the end of my free-day I am putting on actual clothes so that I can make an ever exciting trip to the Target, Books a Million, and the ever so wonderful Walmart. Florida has so much to do I am not sure if I will ever be able to complete all its wonders.....hmmmm. I have been thinking a lot about home. I miss California more and more every day. I continually thank everyone for their continued prayers. xoxoxo

when the skiff has gas....take her out

when the work day was through six of us jumped into the skiff pulled out of the dock and went for a pleasure cruise. The sun was high, the breeze was...well the breeze was artificial...and we needed to get the heck out of the house! I grabbed some old cowboy boots, sunglasses, and my camera, sat back and enjoyed the ride. I love cruising down the canal observing boat decks and always amazed by how peaceful and at home I feel. The backyards vary in depth. Some houses creep right up to the water front while other houses fall back behind the trees and other tropical plant life. Giles, our boat dog, also jumped in on the fun and even entertained us with a little show sporting sunglasses...he felt like a top dog...and he knew it! All and all it was a fun go around...I miss everyone a lot. I send hugs kisses and love! xoxox PS. the house mates are letting me one by one floss their teeth...c'mon what treatment right?? and I told them that I would even do it for free!! gosh I am nice...but really they are doing me a great service by allowing me in their mouth (haha) and getting much appriciated practice!! I love flossing!

And the Engines Roar

Oh Yeah! Today we started the twin diesel engines of the Southern Wind. She roared to life one engine at a time. The sound vibrated through all of our bodies lightening our souls and re-igniting our passion to sail into open waters.

As our hands flew in the air clapping and waving with joy, neighbors who have been unwavering in support stood close behind cheering, hollering, and whistling with matching excitement. Today was a big step for Floating Doctors and a motivating event that really holds no words. Next up: Hoisting the sails!