Tuesday, October 13, 2009


sigh. I feel as though I have had a breakthrough over a breakdown. I have come to learn a few things about myself and much more about other people. For myself- I have learned to expect modestly and great expectations will pronounce themselves naturally. I have also come to understand the meaning of the phrase: self responsibility. It has become such a part of my life here getting me from one moment to the next-this phrase has found it's way scribbled upon my forearm- a reminder. It's important. I surrender unhappiness to fully focus on self. What weight has been removed from my shoulders to have realized such meaningful significance. To end each day with abundant satisfaction- my actions, my intentions, performed in their entirety. Good intentions, right place of heart, even inspirational if only to blind eyes, brings untouchable self gratification. Do not mistaken these positive words for positive feelings. This actualization of self responsibility is an arduous task. To do or to act under self reward alone is not so easily accomplished and in the beginning, more often than not, has left a bitter taste in my mouth and wanting in my soul. Like everything else in life, practice and time has allowed my mind to slowly rid itself of such disdain replacing selfishness with assisted selflessness. I have learned that excuses are only excuses. Nothing can be gained from such nonsense, empty words, lost trust, buried situational awareness-immature. Living my life in pursuit of absolute responsibility for my actions has opened my eyes to behaviors less favorable from others- uncontrollable by me. A lesson easy to recite infinitely difficult to execute. With my whole heart and reason I believe the only thing honest in humanity is truth in words through action. To say what one means, do what one says no matter how seemingly challenging the circumstance. No matter how insignificant or prevalent the action, it will always affect someone somewhere. If only we were able to solely grasp, understand, foresee the consequences of our actions-forgiveness. To this the greatest affair-fraud. We as a society-a family- have so much, but to have nothing if not our word. Speak carefully, with genuine conviction, strength, and necessity. Look nowhere beside the mirror when corruption and hypocrisy fill life-they were owned words ultimately leading one here. To heal the situation begin from the inside out. First with honesty in action. This will once again promote honesty in words. The road to which we travel to achieve such credence is unique and optimistically discovered.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

an object in motion will stay in motion until acted upon by another force

I tested the existence of gravity today. I am not sure if I thought it may not exist this particular morning or perhaps I was questioning Newton. For every reaction there is an equal and opposite reaction. It just happen to react on my face today. I was taking a shower, reached for my towel, slipped, smacked my face on the counter, toppled over, and blacked out temporarily. I called for Michelle too scared to look at the towel I had covering my face. I laid naked on the bathroom floor drenched in blood praying to God that my face was still in one piece. Two seconds later Jamie and Sky came running to my rescue too. I was given water, aspirin, not so successfully reassuring smiles, and a lot of love. The girls held me up and dressed me in my jacket and pants. I am a bit fuzzy on the details, but the next thing I knew I was on the couch with 11 pairs of eyes in my face and a lot of " oooo" "does it hurt?" "geeze that looks nasty" hahaha great! So I needed to get stitches. I called my mom. I tried not to cry and even managed an awkward laugh over the phone. Gosh my poor mom being woken up at 5:30 in the morning to a daughter who apparently cannot hold here ground in the shower. She was a good sport and went about her motherly business to send my my insurance card copy! OOO technology. Jamie was a sweet heart and called the dentist that I am currently interning at. I hope they missed me today...cuz for sure would have rather been looking in other people's mouths than going to the ER to get my face put back together. I think at one point I remember seeing Noah crushing the with a rolling pin. Beating the counter. haha instant karma for that counter top! YES! So Ben drove me to the ER with Michelle my little piece of home holding my hand on the back seat. The ER was thankfully empty ( I knocked on wood) and I was rushed right through. It was kinda funny that most of the attending staff knew who we were. The paper had just ran an article about our cause and I guess word travels fast. Back in the operating room I was getting nervous, but Ben and Michelle kept the conversation light and I just sat back and relaxed. The Doctor that stitched me up was a pro and a trooper. Michelle had the camera over my head for part of the time while I had her hand for the rest. Ben quickly grabbed a pair of gloves and assisted with the procedure. At one point the antiseptic wore off or there was not enough and every new stitch was a bit painful. Only till both Michelle and Ben peer pressured me to get another round of drugs did I finally allow the doctor to numb me up some more.....brave?? maybe. I left the ER with a lot of bandages, free antibiotics, and a smile. This whole thing could have been a lot worse and I was grateful for the amazing staff and all the kind words offered. On my way out the insurance office the lady informed me of three different ways I could go about suing for money for the injury I had been caused. HOW ABOUT IT WAS AN ACCIDENT AND MAYBE YOU ARE THE REASON DOCTORS ARE AFRAID TO DO NICE THINGS! this whole day spawned a huge discussion about health care and how universal health care will not work, and yadda yadda yadda I am going to leave that discussion for another more intense blog...this is about my face and how I look like I was in a gnarly fight and potentially lost and how I might have to now turn my man priorities so that I can find a guy willing to love a scared deformed face. I hope he likes teeth cuz i have great teeth-very white-very natural. well I took a cocktail of meds (really I filled a wine glass full of meds) and I passed out last night. Oh the positive side of being the person doing the medical inventory...you know what box all the cool meds are in!! So i am alive, a bit disfigured (and now the new house Albanian girl...for those who know flight of the Concords) but alive.....stay tuned to see if I trip and fall!! (knock on wood)

gehrochen und erneuert

ps that same day I was in the market and more than one person asked if I was drunk....florida has some issues i think.

here's to you

Die wirkliche Frage ist nicht, egal ob Sie Ihre Kinder lieben, aber wie gut Sie vorführen können, dass Ihre Liebe und sorgend sich, damit Ihre Kinder wirklich geliebt fühlen--Ich fühle

When you hug someone- I feel it. When you tell someone you love me and how proud you are of me- I hear it. When you worry about me-I know it. When you laugh in remembrance of me- I smile too. When you cry by my absence- I cry for yours. When I celebrate- you celebrate. When I succeed- you succeed. When I learn a tough lesson- I know you smile. You do all these things because I am yours...your daughter...half you. My glory is your glory. My struggles are your struggles. My fear, my excitement- your fear, your excitement. My passion, my reasons, my time-is mine. Everything behind me I have you to thank. I am an independent, intelligent, passionate, responsible, loving, driven, stubborn, woman. I have good morals, values, beliefs, realistic ideals, say what I mean and do what I say. That's to you. I love you. I miss you. This trip is not what I had planned. Just a few months. I need to figure out what is inside. I need to know what I am capable of. I need to know that there is more out there than what orange county, San Francisco, and the united states has to offer. I want to find my voice and the ability to stand behind that voice. Where ever I am you will be. Where I ever I go you are right beside me. What ever happens to me I LOVE YOU. Für immer und Immer